Want an open up relationship? Here are some tips to get you started.

It seems like relationships are starting to progress in a new direction. Since the 50's there has been an increase in sexual liberation not only among individuals, but couples as well. Significantly more people are either turning to open relationships, kink, or exploring polyamory. *Cue pompous voice* Back when our parents were younger, one did not even think about dating more than one person at a time, let alone sleeping with multiple people at once when were already taken. However, as more and more people accept that there are alternative ways to live your life and maintain relationships, this has changed the world of dating. So as a first blog I decided to write about some dos and don'ts about getting started in your new and exciting relationship dynamic. Keep in mind this list is not exhaustive, everyone does it differently, and these can also be applied to some polyamory relationships as well.

DO: Know why you want this
 Before you and your partner(s) embark on this new and exciting journey together, know what you're getting yourself into and know why you're doing it. This is a key part in learning what your boundaries and limits are. Also, know that your boundaries and limits will: evolve as your relationship evolves, evolve as you become more comfortable with yourself and your partner(s), and evolve as you learn new things you like or don't like to do or be done to you or others. This lifestyle or orientation (however you choose to identify), is filled with different sensations and emotions, so please practice the communication I talk about in the next segment. To get you started, here are some questions you can ask yourself and discuss with your partner(s):

• Why are we doing this?
• What do we(I) hope to gain from this new experience?
• What are my boundaries and limits now, and which ones do I think will evolve over time and why?
• What are my feelings and thoughts around using apps to find people, or texting with other people?
• Am I comfortable letting my partner have sex on their own, or do I need to be there to feel more comfortable? If I need to be there, does it have to be same room or same house?
• If my partner is allowed to have sex without me present, do I want to know about it? If so, how much detail do I want to know and what sexual acts are off the table?
• If my partner and I do not have sex separately, what are my limits for threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes? Do I want to be touched by the other person/people? Are we only going to have sex with a specific sex/gender/orientation?
• What are we going to do to reconnect as a couple after this new experience to keep our relationship special?

**This list is not exhaustive. I encourage you to book an individual, or couples session with me to talk about exploring  your new relationships dynamics.**

DON'T: Do this to make your partner happy
Now don't get me wrong, if you are truly OK with your partner having sex with others, then by all means continue getting to know more about your new sexual self. However, if you are only entertaining the idea to join the lifestyle to make your partner happy or because you're trying to "save" your relationship/marriage, then stop, think, and reevaluate your life choices. People want to be in an open relationship/marriage for various reasons, but fearing you may lose someone should never be one of them. There is an old expression of "taking one for the team," and while that compromise may work with doing chores or putting the kids to bed, it will not work when it comes to you or your partner having sex outside of your relationship. Trust, honesty, communication, and uplifting your partner are the key things in making this work. It is ok to want to explore new people outside of your relationship (with consent of course), but it is also OK to not want it at all. Paying attention to your boundaries is key as you do not have to feel obligated to do or be ok with anything. In agreeing to be in an open relationship, or polyamorous relationship, you are acknowledging that you will need to communicate with your partner about your likes, dislikes, discomforts and fears. That being said, if you agree to try an open relationship, or polyamory and go through the lengths of having conversations about boundaries, know that you are also agreeing to ride the rollercoaster of emotions of figuring your new self out, without blaming your partner for your own insecurities (unless they actually do something that you had stated was a no-go). Do not embark on an open/poly relationship unless you are 100% sure you want to partake on this new journey with an open mind and an open heart.

DO: Communicate with your partner
Now this is a no brainer. We obviously need to communicate with our partners, and hell, we will need to be able to communicate with anyone we want to have a relationships with (friends, family, coworker etc.), and so speaking to our partner(s) while starting this or any new relationship, is super important. Now when I say "communicate with your partner" I don't just merely mean let them know when you're going to have sex with someone else or are starting to chat up the person you saw in that Facebook group you're in. Nor do I mean just tell them that you're pissed at them and have them guess why. I mean you need to let your partner know your emotional and sexual boundaries, your expectations, what you will compromise on, your personal limits, your communication style, when you are feeling bothered or unsupported, and yes, even when you are feeling insecure and afraid of losing them. You will begin to learn about yourself and just how impacted you get by what you or your partner does or doesn't do when going down the non-monogamy path. All of it needs to be communicated. Your partner needs to know specifically what they did that bothered you, how, and why. They need to know that you aren't blaming them for what you feel, but would like their help in feeling better. Too many times I have seen couples hold in what they want to say because they don't want to upset their other half, or feel like they are complaining. Unfortunately, in life, you will get hurt, and it's better to hurt the ones we love while being honest to them and ourselves, than live a life that is filled with lies and forced smiles.

DON'T: Assume your partner will know your nonverbal cues
There are going to be times where you think your partner(s) should just know what you are thinking and feeling in a given moment, and that is just not sustainable in any relationship. No one knows what you are thinking and your nonverbal cues (unless previously discussed and your partner knows to look for them) will go unnoticed. Conversations about feelings and what you want are never easy for the person receiving the feedback, or to the person giving the feedback. BUT GIVE FEEDBACK. Do not assume your partner(s) is going to see your reactions 100% of the time, or even know what they mean when they do. Learning the way someone communicates with you about how they care or how they are hurt, is key. No matter what, whether you are receiving the information, or giving it, be kind to yourself and your partner(s). The process of communication is uncomfortable, but worth it in the end whether you stay in this kind of relationship or not. 

DO: Have a support system
​You may have heard a school counselor, a family member, or a teacher talk about having a support system. The main function of a support system is to serve as your olive branch of love and kindness during hard times. Your support system are the people you go to when you are feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or need advice. More often than not, when you start a non-monogamous relationship, you are going to feel excited, but also anxious. This is a new journey and there will always be nerves. Having a support system in place made up of people who will help keep you on your path, be nonjudgmental to your choices, but will help guide you when you feel lost is very important. Some of us are fortunate to have that and some of us are not for whatever reason and if you find yourself lack in support, look for local Facebook groups or Fetlife (though use both with caution), or you may book a session with me and I can help point you in the right direction.

DON'T: Dump on your significant other all the time
While your partner(s) can be there for you and love you unconditionally and need you to communicate with them, sometimes there is such thing as too much communication. An example of "too much" communication can be found in the following example:
        You and your partner have spoken about the fact that you feel insecure whenever they text with their play partner that they met on okcupid. You let your partner know this and you both discuss what your boundaries on phone usage are. The next time you see your partner on their phone you get angry with them because you just had a conversation about the phone, however they let you know that they are on their Facebook, not talking with their play partner. This happens several more times throughout the day and week and each time you let your partner know that you are just insecure because they are on their phone.
  In this example, it is being communicated that you are feeling insecure when your partner is on their phone talking to their play partners. However, when you repeat the same communication over and over and accuse your partner of doing things that they aren't doing, then this brings on a new set of issues. Sometimes this means that there are bigger underlying issues that we have not dealt with. Sometimes it means we need to spend more time with friends or rejuvenating ourselves, and sometimes it means we should check in with a counselor or therapist for anything that may be affecting our ability to feel confident in ourselves and our present relationships. Either way, if you find that you have a lot of these thoughts whether you are in an open/poly relationship or not, come book a session with me, and lets get to the root cause of why you may be feeling this way.