Dating someone with children

Dating a person with children is something that is worthwhile, but can sometimes be difficult to navigate if you are not used to dealing with a third (of fourth) person involved. When you are the parent of your own child you make the rules, you set what values will be taught/learned, you can condition your child, and you decide the culture of your home. When you are a step parent you have the potential to do all of those things, however it can get difficult if you and your significant other haven't spoken about the nature of your new role. Blended families are difficult and like any relationship they are a lot of work, but worth it once you are able to get through the growing pains. Below are some things I have learned along my journey of being a step parent that I felt would be beneficial to everyone, but keep in mind this list is not exhaustive. Feel free to comment at the end to start a dialogue and give your own advice, comments, or feedback.

Know the choice you're making
 If you are beginning a relationship with someone who has children, or talking to someone who has children, then know what you are getting yourself into. If decide to embark on this journey, you are accepting everything that goes with it: possible parental drama between your loved one and their child's other parent, your planned events getting moved around because there is a child involved, and most importantly being a trusted role model in this young humans life. These things should not be taken lightly as you will impact another persons life with your actions or inactions. With dating a person with a child you are accepting that you are taking on a whole new role, creating a new type of relationship dynamic between you, your partner, and their child, as well as willing to accept any backlash from the other parent should they be upset with something you have done or said.
    Getting into a relationship with someone with a child, while a big deal to consider, can also be a great new life path as well. There is something to be said about seeing a tiny human grow into a young adult, and knowing you have helped shape them. If you're a woman, you also have the added advantage of having a child to care about and spoil without having to give birth (*this is made under the assumption a woman does not want to/can't have children). Being a step parent or in a relationship with someone who has children can be fun as well as you get to see the world experienced for the first time through someone else's eyes. You also get to relieve your favorite childhood memories as an added bonus. But know, that this is a commitment that should not be taken lightly. To put it into perspective, think about how you would feel if your parents were split, or if one of them had passed away when you were a child and you became so close with your parents gf/bf and they disappeared or the relationship terminated? This is not to deter you from trying this relationship, but to just give you the child's point of view so you know how important you could be to them. Pleas note, it is also OK to wait to meet their child until you are sure you want to commit to the relationship and all it entails. Be open to speaking about this with your partner so that you both can discuss how to go about your relationship in a responsible way.

Meeting the other parent
   If your significant other is actively co-parenting with the other parent (or your partner is still fighting for custody) eventually,  you will meet/see the other parent. This can be a positive or negative  thing depending on how you look at it. If you are invested in your partner and everything their life has to offer, you then have to accept not only their child, but the involvement of the other parent as well. No matter what the relationship is like between your partner and the other parent (unless it is inappropriate), respecting the other parent and being civil is important. After all, you are planning on spending your life with your partner and that involves welcoming their child into your life, but also acknowledging that you are OK with having their ex-partner in your life for at least 26 years depending on how old the child is. This is not always all bad. There are success stories of adults being able to put aside animosity for the children to show the child that despite differences, people can get along for them, and then there are horror stories of "baby mamas/daddies" threatening the step parent or causing more strife where there need not be any. Whatever your case may be, just know that the issues do not have anything to do with you (the step parent) but it has to do with the relationship between your partner and the other parent.
    The other parent will treat you according to how they feel about your partner. If they were able to end their relationship civilly, you may be able to form a respectful relationship with minimal issues. If they did not end on a civil note, you can expect (in some cases) to be treated with the same animosity they have towards your partner. Same can be said for when the other parent still has feelings for your partner. Remember, there was a whole relationship that resulted in a human being created. No matter how they feel about each other in the present, hold kindness and respect for the fact that they created life together and there may be some pain they need to work through, outside of your relationship with your partner. This is part of the process of their relationship terminating, and yours blooming.

Texting with the other parent
  It is normal for parents to text about their children and their progress. If this is the nature of the conversations your partner is having with the other parent, than this is OK and to be expected. It is normal for things such as birthday parties, play dates, holidays, family gatherings, school functions, and progress reports to be discussed between both parents as that is a part of their child being in a family with two homes. However if you notice there are conversations happening you don't like, or there are certain aspects of your life you wish your partner would cease talking about, it is OK to speak up and say something, albeit respectfully. Remember how I said these people had a whole relationship before you showed up? This relationship will change when they split, however you should understand that sometimes people fall back into old habits of communication when they are near someone who has known them for a long time. It is OK for your partner and the other parent to text and communicate about their child, but it is not OK for those conversations to be about the current relationship of you and your partner or other subjects you feel are too personal to share. Knowing what your boundaries are is important.

Boundaries
  In everything I write, I will always stress boundaries. Boundaries are the key to a happy and communicative life. If you are a people pleaser or someone who has a hard time saying no, working on boundaries is especially important for you. You need to be careful to make sure that your happiness is being taken into account just as much as everyone else's. That being said, throughout your relationship there will be times when things are done that you do not agree with, do not like, and that do not sit well with you. It is 1000% OK to voice these in a respectful manner to try and come up with a solution. Just because your partner is co-parenting with the other parent, does not mean you do not get a say in what happens in your shared home (assuming you live together). However, keep in mind that there will be times you need to compromise for the sake of the child because your relationship is no longer just about you two, but about you, your partner, and their child. To set your boundaries, take note of the kinds of conversations or acts that don't sit well with you, that rub you the wrong way, that make your red flags go off, or that make you feel anxious. This is your body's way of telling you that there is something here that isn't right to you and needs to be addressed. Once you are able to pinpoint the source of your uncomfortable feelings, then ask your partner to make some time for you to be able to talk about them. You may even have the same conversation multiple times as your partner may need reminding of the habit they need to break. Change is a process and so long as you remember that, are respectful, open, and honest when speaking about your boundaries to your partner, and acknowledge that they are doing their best, your conversations should yield results.

You time
  Lots of parents neglect this very important concept of "you time." It is absolutely essential to remember that just because you are a parent or step-parent does not mean you are not allowed to relax and enjoy your life. Afterall, you were a whole person before starting this new journey of parenthood. It's important to still honor the person that you are outside of your relationship and the children involved. It is OK to leave your partner with their child while you go out and have fun, just like it is OK for your partner to want some wind down time after childrearing all or most of the day. Accept that both of you will need a break and know that this is OK. Speak with your partner about scheduling breaks if your life is hectic, or talk about what you are both willing to accept when each of you needs a break. For instance, are you giving your partner an hour after they come home to let them wind down before telling them what chores need to be done, bills need to get paid, and what the child was up to all day? If not, consider holding off on talking to your partner about issues as soon as they walk through the door. In your day to day life, people can get overwhelmed or stressed, and so keeping this in mind and allowing for space when they enter the home will give you both a much needed pause. Think of it this way, if you give them a break from their day, then you can also take a break from your day when they are done and you will both have relaxed. Relationships are about compromising and if this idea of taking a break for an hour when they/you get home doesn't work, then find what makes sense for your life. Everyone's break or "you time" will look differently as everyone requires different lengths of "you time."

Walking Away
  In every relationship at some point you were be overwhelmed or overloaded. This is true for everyday life as well. When you are dealing with a child (yours or not) who needs lots of attention, or who is having a tantrum, it is very easy to get angry at that child or the situation. Try to be kind not only to the child, but to yourself and your partner as well. The child does not know any better and is only using the tools they are given and know, to achieve their goals. Your partner is in this battle with you, where they have also faced the long days of work and are now having to console a screaming, upset, demanding, or crying child. In this situation, it is OK for you both to tag team the situation so that you both can take breaks from intense situation without taking it out on the child. If you are feeling a sensory overload and need a minute or two to cool down, voice this to your partner in a respectful manner and be sympathetic to them wanting a break as well. You both are a team and if you want to make it through any rough patch, you will have to do it together and with compassionate understanding. This looks like restating what your partner is feeling so they know you heard and understood them, and then being willing to come up with solutions with them.

Have any more tips you would like to share or question about the ones I mentioned? Feel free to contact me and I will address it or add it!